Anyway, on to The Diabolical Duo Join Forces, a clumsy, clumsy title for a disappointingly lackluster story. Though it’s a Lackluster Lee/Kirby story so that means it’s still pretty friggin’ bonkers.

Anyway, the issue opens with the FF returning to their apartment headquarters (finally revealed the be the World Famous Baxter Building) in order to answer some fan-mail! Reed explains that the reason everyones costumes aren’t destroyed by their powers is because of the Unstable Molecules he invented, and Ben get’s some hatemail from the Yancy Street Gang. That’s three firsts in the same issue, heck almost the same page.

But the mood is immediately soured when Reed points out that, despite being superheroes, their first two Major Villains, Doctor Doom and Namor managed to get away from them, and who knows WHAT dastardly plans they could be up to now!

Which then cuts away to Namor frolicking with dolphins. Dude just needed some time to himself to get over the grief of seeing his civilization destroyed and he calmed right down. Sadly, that doesn’t last long, as Doctor Doom (still flying in his shark-helicopter) tracks him down and follows him to Atlantis.

Doom wants to team up with Namor since, out of everyone on Earth, Namor is the closest there is to a peer for him. Or at least Doom considers him the least farthest thing from a peer he could consider having. Anyway, Doom grants an impassioned speech about how tragic it is that Namor lived to see his entire civilization destroyed while he was suffering from amnesia and how its even more tragic that Namor isn’t devoting himself to destroying the surface world all the time in order to avenge it, and BOY OH BOY would it set the souls of his lost people to ease to know that the Fantastic Four (except Sue, of course) were dead and buried.

Dooms laying it on kinda thick, but it has the desired effect, as before you know it, Namor is 100% in Dooms camp, and Victor reveals the secret weapon he’s invented to kill the FF once and for all; a small, but absurdly powerful magnet called a Grabber.

The next day, Namor just walks up to the World Famous Baxter Building and demands to be let inside to meet the Fantastic Four in order to declare a truce between them all while declaring everyone on the street to be Peasants and fools and pretty much immediately marking him as the Namor we all know and love today. Well, some of us know and love.

…marking him as the Namor that is acknowledged, let’s say.

While the FF argues amongst themselves about whether or not to trust Namor, he plants the Grabber in the corner of the room and, after Reed accepts that they should at least try to trust him, it activates, and Doom uses its irresistible magnetic pull to rip the Baxter Building out of the ground and throw it into the sun!

Namor is, understandably, kind of cheesed off that to learn that he was just a disposable pawn in Dooms revenge plan, so he makes the truce he falsely declared official, and teams up with the FF to stop the rocket Doom was controlling the magnet from. Which is handy as the vacuum of space is much more inviting for someone with aquatic powers than it is for someone with the ability to control heat, stretch far, or Is Strong.

Namor tears apart Dooms rocket (after jumping straight up to it after leaping out of the Baxter Buildings pool like a dolphin), and kicks Doom out of the airlock, directly into a speeding meteor that carries him farther away from the Earth. A fate that, even by the spurious logic of silver age comics is pretty much As Dead As You Can Be. Then Namor reverses the Grabbers pull and settles the Baxter Building gently back into its foundation, before leaving, mentioning that he’s definitely going to try to kill everyone later.

And the entire population of New York collectively assumes that a building being ripped out of the ground by a Science Wizard, sent into space, and then gently replaced by the King of Atlantis was just the usual kind of stress-related mass hallucination you’ve come to expect from living in the Atomic Age, and go about their day. God, I love Marvel New Yorkers.

Next Time: The Day the Earth Stood Still

Oh dang, we’re about to establish us a Marvel Universe, Y’all! And get to enjoy our heroes standing on some seriously shaky ethical ground. All this… and MORE in The Coming of the Sub-Mariner

Picking up where the last issue left off, the remaining Fantastic Three briefly recap the to one another that Johnny, fed up with The Things short temper and constant attempts to murder him (a legitimate gripe), has abandoned the Fantastic Four forever. And they also figure that they’re not nearly as effective a superhero team without him, so they mount a city-wide search for the youth. Which consists of Sue just wandering the city while invisible, looking for him (and periodically freaking people out by drinking sodas), Reed grabbing people off motorcycles and asking them if they’ve seen anyone with unusual abilities, and Ben bursting into the garage that Johnny spends most of his free time at, fixing up hot rods.

Awww, they fight a lot, but Bens the only guy who gets him.

Unfortunately, the reason they fight a lot is because (back then) Ben had a hair-trigger temper and is as strong as a dozen bulldozers, and it looks very much like Ben is going to murder Johnny wielding a car like a club, knowing that Johnny can’t fight back because of all the gas and oil in the garage.

Aunt Petunias fav’rite nephew has… quite a ways to go to being the Lovable Grump we know today.

Johnny, again, pretty understandably, doesn’t want to be near Ben at all, so he flees the garage (yelling “FLAME ON” while using his powers for the first time), runs off to a homeless shelter, where he finds a bunch of residents hassling am amnesiac, delirious man, and he calms the (increasingly violent) crowd down by explaining that the delirious homeless man just needs a haircut to become sane again (look, it was the 60s, we didn’t have a good handle on mental health solutions back then), and offers to help by burning the mans beard off by turning his hand into a blowtorch.

And upon realizing that the clean-shaven homeless man looks weirdly similar to Namor: The Sub-Mariner (who Johnny knew about from stories Sue used to tell him, and also, presumably, from History classes), Johnny decides that the bset thing to do would be to toss him into the Ocean, figuring that being exposed to water would jar his memory and cure his amnesia. Or, if it’s not Namor, drown him. You know, whichever.

For those not “in the know”, Namor is basically exactly Aquaman, rightful heir to the throne of Atlantis, half human on their fathers side, able to replicate fish-traits and communicate with sea-life. Key difference is that Aquaman has a shirt and pants, as opposed to tiny shorts and sometimes a vest.

Fortunately-(ish), Johnny Storm did not drown a homeless man on the grounds that he looked pretty similar to a superhero nobody had seen in twenty years; the sea water revived the homeless man who WAS, as it turns out, Prince Namor the Sub-Mariner. And he quickly swims off to Atlantis to be reunited with his people… only to find the city is a radioactive ruin, completely abandoned by the leaderless Atlanteans. And he immediately declares war on the human race, and swims off to find the Horn of Atlantis, a mystic trumpet that can summon and control the gargantuan amphibious monster; GIGANTO, which he then unleashes upon New York! All within, like, four panels. It’s VERY concise storytelling.

All the while, Johnny is still standing on the Shoreline, incidentally, thinking “Hmm, hope I didn’t just kill an innocent man for no reason”.

Anyway, Johnny quickly realizes he made a terrible mistake (in fleeing from an abusive home…) and summons the rest of the Fantastic FOur to help deal with the mile-tall whale-monster about to attack the city. Regular weapons can’t penetrate Gigantos hide, so Ben steals an atomic warhead (from where?!?) and opts to hop down the monsters throat and detonate it near its heart. He also deals with some shipwrecks inside Gigantos stomach, as well as some giant bug monsters, because Jack thought this issue wasn’t cramming quite enough stuff), which injures Giganto badly enough to knock it out, but not enough to kill it.

Namor isn’t fazed, and is about to use the Horn of Atlantis to just summon some more giant monsters, enough to bring humanity back to the stone age with the havoc they wreak (dollars to donuts, this is because Jack wanted to draw cavemen hiding from sea monsters), when he sees Sue, and immediately falls in love; promising to stop his war on humanity if she marries him.

She’s about to agree, since her happiness isn’t worth the lives of the entire human race, when Johnny intercedes, by flying around Namor and Giganto fast enough to create a vortex that flings the two of them clear across the planet, losing the Horn of Atlantis in the process. Namor vows revenge/marriage on the Fantastic Four/Sue, and Johnny rejoins the team.

Awwww.

Next time: The secret true history of Blackbeard the Pirate!

Another major milestone issue, except this time with a villain who I don’t think ever even showed up again (Wikipedia confirms he did, but barely has enough appearances to count as a recurring villain); The Menace of the Miracle Man (no relation to the time Alan Moore thought he was making a deep statement by making Captain Marvel an asshole).

The issue opens up with the FF enjoying a strangely caustic stage magic show hosted by… The Miracle Man, a combination of David Blaine, Don Rickels and Count Dracula. And whose act apparently consists of finding the most famous person in the audience and threatening and insulting them to the point where I think it’s legally permissible to punch him. He also invites Ben up on the stage and taunts him personally showing off how weak The Things strength is compared to WIZARD POWER. He also forces Ben to shed his disguise, and this is back when he was ashamed of being a rockman, so that’s just flat rude.

Also, Jacks started drawing Ben as a rockman now, as opposed to some kind of giant walking callous, and Stans softened up his speech, talking in a much more casual, contraction-rich way. He’s still quite a ways away from The Platonic Ideal of Benjamin J. Grimm (idol o’ millions), but he’s made his first steps on that path.

As they leave the show (in the first sppearance of the Fantasticar, usiing its original bathtub-design), Reed mentions that he’s glad that The Miracle Man is just a gigantic asshole, and not a criminal, because someone that good at stage magic would be an unbeatable foe. And the words aren’t out of his mouth before we cut to MMs dressing room where he proudly announces (to nobody) that now that he’s embarrassed the Fantastic Four in front of a paying audience, the time has come for him to become a criminal!

But just before he does, we cut back to the World Famous Baxter Building (still not named as such, but confirmed to be half an apartment building that Reed leases out, and which is full of advanced research and crime-fighting technology. And also a single ICBM. You know… just in case.), and find out what Sues been doing in her spare time; stitching together specialized for the FF, because if you’re going to be a crime fighter, you gotta have costumes.

She has no problem making costumes suitable for herself, Reed, Johnnys individual powers but her outfit for Ben is immediately shredded by his weird anatomy. And this is long before “Unstable Molecules” were the explanation for superhero costumes, so she did this all by hand… so… damn, that’s crazy-impressive.

Anyway, at around this time, Miracle Man puts the first phase of his master plan (which really just seems to be “General Mayhem”) into motion by bringing a giant monster marquess outside a theater to life, and having it go on a rampage through the city, and eventually attack an army base on the outskirts of town.

The FF are called in but aren’t able to destroy the monster until after it manages to steal an Atomic Tank for Miracle Man. The Soldiers on the base also mistake Johnny for a second monster, and hose him down with fire retardant foam, which is really more embarrassing than harmful. And during the fight, Sue (being invisible) follows the Miracle Man back to his hideout; a crappy junkyard.

Hey, this issue is finally giving Sue stuff to do!

Her subterfuge doesn’t last long, however, when Miracle Mans dog starts barking at her (“A dog would never growl at nothing” thinks Miracle Man, a guy who has never met a dog). ANd relaizing that “Hard to see” is not the best super power to bring to the table against a Wizardly Demigod, Sue calls the rest of the FF for help with her personal flaregun that shoots giant flaming 4s into the sky (it causes less of a panic this time). Also Miracle Man hypnotized her, so maybe it wasn’t just self preservation. Honestly hard to say.

Anyway, the rest of the FF shows up and a fight breaks out (Miracle Man disguises a machine gun as an oversized key, and I’m just left to wonder why…) that eventually becomes a high speed chase, between Miracle Man in an atomic tank and Reed Richards in a busted up old race car, that ends when Johnny flies out ahead and blinds Miracle Man with a brilliant flash of light. Which also robs him of his powers since, as Reed explains (absurdly); if Miracle Man were a real wizard (or Miracle Man, as the book keeps insisting is the proper terminology) he wouldn’t have bothered with a machine gun or running away or anything; no he was just a world-class master hypnotist, capable of putting a whammy on an entire city. And not someone with super-human abilities. And since he’s blind now, he can’t hypnotize anyone.

See, it’s all science, not miracle.

And that would be the end of it, except that Ben and Johnny then get into an argument about who gets the credit for ctaching Miracle Man, a continuation of their argument earlier in the issue that ultimately proves to be too much for Johnny, and he quits the Fantastic Four!

COULD THIS BE THE END OF OUR HEROES?

Important world-building abounds in THE SKRULLS FROM OUTER SPACE!

Where we first learn that, ever since defeating (well, running away from) The Moleman in the last issue, the Fantastic Four have already become world famous superheroes. Which makes it very strange when suddenly the Fantastic FOur have turned criminal! The Thing demolishes an oil rig, Sue becomes a world-class jewel thief, Johnny melts down priceless works of art, and Reed causes a city-wide black out. Issue 2 seems like it’s a bit early to make a “Everyone is acting out of character” issue, especially before any of these people have characterization, but the explanation is quickly revealed, it wasn’t the Worlds Greatest Superhero Team commiting these crimes, it was a squad of alien spies; The Skrulls!

Like the Moleman before them, the Skrulls gradually became more and more sympathetic as the years wore on; they typically wind up taking the brunt of any cosmic disaster, and their species is nearly extinct. They just want to live on Earth because its one of the few planets that can safely support them. That being said they’re still jerks, and had enough of a history of being jerks that they don’t have too many friends anywhere in the galaxy. And it’s a fair few years before anything particularly tragic happens to them, so they’re just evil spies here. And also idiots.

The Skrull spies explain… to one another… that they’re shape-shifting aliens with advanced technology, so mimicking the FF is easy-peasy, and once the only super-powered being on Earth are safely in jail for crimes they didn’t commit, the Skrull invasion of Earth can begin. A plan that works wonderfully, as the army immediately finds and arrests the FF in a hunting lodge Reed has in upstate New York.

Just before that, we have the first of what would be endless arguments among the FF, with Ben calling out Johnny for being a Hothead, and also Reed for making him a monster, and Reed feeling bad and blaming himself for the cosmic ray bombardment.

And then they get arrested and thrown into specialized jail cells designed to hold super-powered people. Which they all break out of lickety split. Well, Reed, Ben and Johnny got specialized rooms designed to counteract their abilities that failed because the army underestimated how powerful they were. Sue was just put into a nicely furnished apartment building that she could just walk out of.

Reed figures that the best way to lure out the impostor FF is to act like criminals themselves, and hope that the actual criminals get confused. A plan that works beautifully, and which leads to Johnny Storm, hero and idol to millions of teens, wrecking a NASA rocket launch (Hopefully it wasn’t the Apollo mission…) and which leads the Skrulls to miscount how many spies the had on Earth (I assume) and take him back to their lair).

The rest of the FF follows and a fight breaks out (Sue is less proactive than she appears on the cover, simply tripping a Skrull that was running past), that ends with the Skrulls captive, and terrified. And Reed gets an idea of how to drive off the invasion; he poses as one of the Skrull spies and travels to the mothership, where he declares the Earth to be un-invadeable; by showing the Skrull invasion leader issues of other Marvel comics.

Which establishes that there is a Marvel Comics within Marvel Comics, except that the fictional one presents dramatized accounts of stories ripped from the headlines. Which is quite possibly my single favorite piece of world building in the whole of the MCU (the other two is the existence of Damage Control, the insurance company that exists solely to handle superpower-related damage claim)

Reed convinces the SKrull leaders to leave the Earth alone, and that he’ll stay behind to buy the invader fleet time to escape (which grants him a Skrull medal of valor) before returning to Earth (on the way back, Ben is belted by more Cosmic radiation, and briefly resumes being human, but changes back as soon as he notices he isn’t a rock man any more, the first of many Ben-is-human-oh-wait-nope plot devices) and the captive Skrulls try to make a break for it, but are swiftly recaptured by the FF. This is mainly so that they can expose themselves to the police, and thus clear the FF of all criminal charges.

The lead Skrull begs for his life, and Reed makes a compromise with him, they’ll be allowed to remain free on Earth if they change into cows, and let him hypnotize them into only ever believing that they were always cows.

Which they accept, because they have always, and I quote, “Hate being Skrulls”.

Skrulls haven’t heard much about Bovine University.