Hey kids, let’s watch the first episode, now…

As one might expect, this episode features long-time Spider-Man foe, The Green Goblin. It does not feature his triumph though, so the titles a bit misleading.

The episode opens with Spider-Man watching a car drive erratically through the rain, which he promptly decides to jump on top of, and then cover the windshield, because if they had trouble driving before, having Spider-Man on the hood would certainly help them. Luckily, it turns out that the drivers were actually jewel thieves, rather then, say, drunk. Or had lost control of their car. The thieves toss Spider-Man off the roof and then back up to run him over, Iceman shows up out of nowhere to build a loop-the-loop out of ice and wreck the car instead.

So, two minutes into the episode and Spidey has endangered two peoples lives and nearly been killed, and Iceman has saved Spider-Man by nearly killing those same people himself. I’m going to give the point to Iceman for being a very-slightly-less-awful superhero.

Oh, and Spider-Man just webs up the thieves and leaves them stuck to a light pole rather then alerting the cops because he is late for a date with his not-actual-girlfriend. I’m deducting a point from Spidey for that.

Spider-Man: -1
Iceman: 1

MEANWHILE IN THE SKY! A low flying plane is nearly struck by lightning, and who is in the plane by Norman Osborn; the alter-ego of the Green Goblin, who was just released from the insane asylum with a certificate of Sanity. So he immediately charters a private lane to take him away. During a thunderstorm, all the while raving about how good it feels to have all his eggs in one basket again. Which is kind of sending up all kinds of red flags for me, but then, they don’t pay me to fly mental patients away from asylums…

As it would happen, the plane is immediately struck by lightning, and the pilot and Norman both jump out, though only Norman has a parachute, and as he lands the stress from having hopped out of a plane and being electrocuted causes him to go nuts again and The Green Goblin is back. In the comics, the Goblin was just a costume that Norman wore whenever he was feeling a bit… murder-y, but here he just… goes all Goblinny whenever he’s stressed I guess. Whatever, I can accept that.

Weird that his clothing changes too though.

Back at the Spider-Friends apartment, we have our episode-required Adorable Hijinx courtesy of Peters aunt Mays pet dog, Ms. Lion, who has somehow put on a goblin mask and then frightened herself by looking in a mirror. Yes, it is Halloween and all the Spider-Friends are going to a costume party dressed as different superheroes; Firestar is dressed as Spider-Woman, Iceman is Captain America, NAMED FEMALE FRIEND is Medusa: Queen of the Inhumans, and Spider-Man is dressed… as… Spider-Man.

Even Aunt May thinks that Pete is being a damn fool.

The costume party itself is mostly an excuse to toss as many different superhero cameos as possible into a crowdscene as possible; of particular note is a skinny white guy as Luke Cage, Fat Vision and Namor the Submarine, which means that someone went to the costume party in speedos. There’s also about five Spider-Mans, and about two Green Goblins.

Petes Spider-Sense starts going nuts, which he states out loud, which causes a some girl dressed as… Caveman-girl, I guess to start hitting on him. She’s really attracted to guys in badly fitting Spider-Man costumes. Spidey leaves with her saying that there’s trouble in the lab. Firestar is understandably upset that her maybe-boyfriend is leaving with a floozy, and that he left with a stupid excuse, so she immediately sets the floozy on fire. Well, she tosses enough steam at her to wreck her hair, costume and make-up at least.

It turns out that Spidey actually WAS going to the lab, despite his hasty stammering sounding like he was either trying to discretely announce he had to use the bathroom, or was expecting imminent make-outs. So Firestar gave the girl first degree burns for no good reason.

Spider-Man: -1
Iceman: 1
Firestar: -1

Also, the lab he was going to was in the OSCORP building, on the other side of town, where it turns out that the Green Goblin was pilfering the technology stored there. How he knew to go there isn’t really ever explained, but the Goblin is ready for him and stuns him with a laser (?) and makes off with his Glider and Pumpkin bombs, he can’t find the one thing he was robbing his own lab for; the serum that made him both Green and Goblinny.

The Goblin puts the frozen Spider-Man on an office chair, regales him with his origin (serum exploded on him, made him crazy, and green) and then put on his Future-Finder Cap (?) to reveal his ultimate goal: to use the Goblin serum to turn everyone in New York into a grotesque monster like him. Well, to turn all the dudes into grotesque monsters. All the women just turn green.

Back at the costume party it is revealed that the NAMED FEMALE FRIEND is actually Norman Osborns niece, and Firestar realizes that Spider-Man still ahsn’t come back from his caveman-girl makeouts, so she decides he’s probably in peril, and heads to the Oscorp labs herself. The Goblin hears her coming and opts to aim a canister of liquid nitrogen at the door, rigging it to spray on whoever walks through it.

It is AMAZING how much liquid nitrogen these villains have on hand at any given moment.

Firestar opens the door and the nitrogen is sprayed, but generates enough heat to cancel out the nitrogen AND unfreeze Spider-Man. It should be noted that Spidey was frozen by lasers, not ice. So Firestar has managed to set electricity on fire…. So that’s one point for doing something that defies the laws of physics, and one more point for saving Spider-Man, and minus another one for Spidey for getting captured so easily in the first place.

Spider-Man: -2
Iceman: 1
Firestar: 2

Firestar and Spider-Man realize that the Goblin has gone after her niece because she alone MUST know where the Goblins Evil Superpowers Drug is. How everyone leaps to this conclusion is beyond me, but Firestar immediately runs off because lives are on the line, and SPider-Man sits there sulking that he wanted the dramatic exit.

Sigh, Spider-Man, I love ya, but GEEZ.

Spider-Man: -3
Iceman: 1
Firestar: 2

Meanwhile, outside, Iceman is walking NAMED FRIEND home while subtly hitting on her by asking if she would like to live somewhere beautiful, like Iceland, or somewhere hot, like Miami, Which I think may be subtle innuendo, when the Green Goblin appears and whisks her away. Iceman lets him because he figures is another guy in a Green Goblin costume, despite the fact that he is flying around on a bat-shaped hovercraft. Named Friend screams “noooooo” as she is forcefully abducted and Iceman cheerfully says that he’ll talk to her later.

…

Spider-Man: -3
Iceman: -15
Firestar: 2

The rest of the Spider-Friends meet up with Iceman and call him an idiot, and opt to do what all the greatest superhero teams do when the going gets tough: Immediately go off and do entirely seperate things from one another; Spider-Man heads to the Oscorp Cereal factory, again, Iceman goes to a different Oscorp factory and Firestar goes to Named Friends apartment. Pete takes this moment to mention that the Goblins sinister plan is to make dudes uglier and ladies green.

At the Cereal Factory it is revealed that Named Friend, against all probability DID know where the Goblin serum was, and he now has it. Spider-Man arrives just in time to… fall into another trap that the Goblin had set up for him; this time being a giant metal box with Goblin faces, each of which having a slightly different gimmick designed to knock Spider-Man into a big chainsaw. Rather then waiting to be rescued, yet agin, Spidey just smashes the stupid thing with his bare hands. Then saves the Named Friend and destroys the Goblin serum.

Spider-Man: -2
Iceman: -15
Firestar: 2

The Goblin escapes after revealing that while everyone was busy standing around and waiting to be rescued, created enough serum to turn the entire planet into a monster, and heads off to dump the concoction into the city resevoir. Iceman shows up and freezes the entire lakesolid before the serum could disperse and Firestar removes it. Meanwhile, Spider-man fights the Goblin YET A THIRD TIME and this time crashes him into an electric power station which electrocutes all the Green out of him, and, as Norman Osborn again, he volunteers to go back to the insane asylum.

I’ll give one point to each Spider-Friend for saving the day. But I am going to deduct another form Iceman for making fun of Norman Osborn for having a serious mental disability. Tact counts, Mr. Drake.

Spider-Man: -1
Iceman: -15
Firestar: 3