Hi! I’m Octo! This is a segue!

If you forced me to choose one person to be my favorite supervillain, it would likely be this guy;

The reason being is simple; the point where just about any other supervillain would stop, hit their end game and just wait around for the next hero to come by and thwart them, Cobra Commander keeps going. Any plan, no matter how ridiculous, is just step one in an even grander, even more ridiculous plan. So, imagine my surprise that Cobra, at its best, is just amateur-hour BABY STUFF compared to these guys;

Like most people roughly my age, my first exposure to Superfriends was from Seanbaby making fun of Aquaman and cussing a lot (and also Harvey Birdman, which mainly made fun of the Token Minority Superfriends). But the franchise managed to endure for thirteen years despite its god awful animation and utterly baffling plotlines. And, for my money, the third season was the best of them.

Speaking of, for this season the Superfriends consisted of;
Superman (who has all the powers until Kryptonite shows up for some reason)
Batman (who… well… he tries)
Robin (who never shows up outside of Batmans supervision)
Wonder Woman (who, also does her darndest to be relevant)
The Flash (see above)
Stupid Ol’ Hal Jordan, Intergalactic Dipstick
Hawkman (who couldn’t actually fight anyone in this show, so he was Superman, but Suckier)
Aquaman (who… did not have his best showing here)
Black Vulcan (because Black Lightning wasn’t otherwise available)
Samurai (about whom the less said, the better)
Apache Chief (see above)

And rounding out the LEGION OF DOOM we have;
Lex Luthor (Back in his SCIENCE CRIME days)
Solomon Grundy (who, owing to the total lack of acknowledgement of violence on the shows part, is even more of a letdown then Hawkman)
Sinestro (Green Lantern, but BAD!)
Black Manta (because he was the only Aquaman villain without a goofy name)
Cheetah (Like Catwoman except with a stupider costume and vague magic powers)
Giganta (who is ALSO a Wonder Woman villain of some sort)
The Scarecrow (no complaints here, he works pretty well considering the shows format)
Toyman (who tries to kill superman with toy trains and I have never understood why)
The Riddler (because Lex surprisingly often needed someone to tattle on him)
Bizarro (because there are a LOT of Superman villains in this, cripes)
Brainiac (who, in this incarnation, is a Green Lex Luthor wearing bikini-briefs)
Captain Cold (professional criminal with an ice gun. I’m struggling not to make a “He’s cool” pun)
Gorilla Grodd (because when you have the choice between whether or not to recruit a telepathic gorilla from GORILLA CITY, you soon realize that there’s no choice at all)

So, a pretty big cast. And here’s their first episode:

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m excited

Anyway, we open in the Legion of Dooms Darth Vader-Mask headquarters; where Lex, after a roll-call that is a less-snarky version of what I just said, capitalized by the Legionnaires smashing part of their headquarters to illustrate their powers, and outlines his master plan; he’s built a Dream Machine which will seek out a sleeping Superfriends, wherever they are and bend their subconscious minds to EVIL ENDS.

Okay, good start there Lex.

And it works, too, since he immediately fires it up and convinces a napping Superman, just straight-up sleeping at his desk like Dagwood Bumstead, to change costumes and steal from Fort Knoxx.

Since it worked, he tries it again on Batman and Robin making them steal all the money in the US Mint. Whose guards… umm… scold them. I mean, the army brought tanks out to try to stop Superman, Batman just warrants a guard saying he’s not angry, just disappointed.

And so on it goes, with the sleeping Superfriends stealing, like, all the material wealth on the planet for the Legion.

So, like, not even five minutes into the first episode and Lex has All The Money and a machine that can control Superheroes. And we’re just getting started!

The next morning, at the Hall of Justice, everyone thinks its odd that they all had Criminal Dreams (also the name of my debut album) and slightly more odd that they’re also all in position of the worlds most valuable treasures. The Chief of Police (of… the world?) calls up the Superfriends to ask them to turn themselves in, and Superman agrees because, well, looks like the entire planet has a pretty air-tight case against them. And the Chief of Police locks them all in the same cell.

“I realize you can break out of this cell quite easily, Superfriends, but I’m relying on your integrity not to” says the warden.

“But with all the Superfriends in jail, there will be no one left to solve all the worlds crimes!” Batman responds.

At this point, the warden and his deputy take off their faces; revealing themselves to be Cheetah and Bizarro, and it’s not a jail-cell they’re locked into. It’s a Rocket ship! Headed straight for the sun!

“You’re on a one way doomsday trip to NOWHERE!” says Bizarro in what is likely the best line of dialogue ever written.

AND WE HAVEN’T EVEN HIT THE FIRST COMMERCIAL BREAK!

Back on Earth, the Legion breaks into the now-defenseless Hall of Justice and hooks Lexs Evil Mutation Ray into the Justice League Satellites, bathing the Earth in rays that will turn everyone into either a copy of either Bizarro or Cheetah! Which also causes everyone on Earth to immediately commit only the most profitable robberies!

WHAT?!?

Fortunately for the Superfriends, Lex (and, me) had forgotten that Wonder Womans lasso is telepathic, so she was able to use it to move the rockets on the cage-rocket and knocked the Ray Device that was stopping everyone from moving, letting Superman break free and bring everyone back to Earth. No idea how everyone was able to breath in spac all this time, either, but I can accept that all the Superfriends have some really impressive lungs.

Back on Earth, all the Superfriends try to round up… um… every single person on the planet and arrest them all for their various crimes(…?) while Batman and Robin try to find a cure for being Bizarro and/or wearing a kitty-hood, which they do despite Bizarro-Alfred trying to kill them with ropes.

Superman reverses the Mutation Rays and the Superfriends return to the Hall of Justice to defeat the Legion in one of the most G-Rated fight scenes ever witnessed, ending with Superman using The Dream Machine to hypnotize the entire Legion into going directly to jail where, presumably, the Warden will again, rely on their integrity not to escape.

Which wasn’t even necessary since the Dream machine doesn’t work on the Legion, they just, you know, walked away.

Justice has triumphed, but for how long